One Penguin Too Many

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright ã 2011 Plot Roach.

One Penguin Too Many

By Plot Roach

My friend Henry is a zoo keeper. Not the kind that gets to handle big and dangerous animals, just the cute and cuddly ones. He told me that at first it was a real let down, not being in charge of something cool like the tigers or bears. Then he saw a coworker mauled to death by rhino and thought twice about the penguins he watched over.

“For Christ sakes, a rhino is built like a small car but looks as docile as a dammed cow. I didn’t think the thing had the brains of a peanut. And I never thought that the ones we have here in the compound would charge a man, much less crush him into the dust like it did Rick.”

I imagine that if I had been kept in a small cage all my life with nothing more to look at than the same damned faces of the zoo workers, my fellow “herd” and the obnoxious tourists they had that threw paper cups, peanuts and chocolate covered bananas at me, I’d stomp the first bastard that got in my way and make sure to defecate on him for good measure. Maybe ten years of working a mall job had given me a bit of insight into the plight of caged animals. You be the judge.

“So now you’re content to work with the penguins?” I asked.

“They seem to be good chick magnets.”

“You can’t take them out of the zoo, can you?”

“Oh hell no, they wouldn’t let that happen or else Joe would be walking up and downtown all Friday night with a Bengal tiger on a leash trying to get himself laid.” Considering what Joe looked like and his personality, he had a better chance coupling with the tiger.

“So how does it work?”

“Well, I’ve been going into pet stores lately looking for 'treats' for my little feathered friends. When the lady helping me in the bird section asks me what kind of bird I have, I explain that I’ve got a job looking after various ‘rescued’ penguins.”

“So how well has it been working?”

“Sometimes good, sometimes not at all. I think I’ve spent more on bird toys and fish treats for my birds than on beer for myself. And I was about to give up on it all when I met Gina.”

“Another pet store employee?”

“No, an environmentalist.”

“I bet the pay is great.” I said sarcastically.

“Yeah, I know. She doesn’t have a real job that pays the rent, but she does odd jobs around town and stays with her parents.”

“Hmmm… A real winner you’ve got there.”

“Just listen, will you?” Henry asked. “I was thinking about getting her a part time job at the zoo gift shop if I could swing it, but then it happened…”

“What did you do?”

“Well…”

“Spill it, Henry.”

“I was thinking of a good way to ask her out. Something really romantic and spectacular that she couldn’t really say no to.”

“Isn’t that how you’re supposed to propose marriage? Why not just look at her and say: ‘hey, you want to go for a movie or something?’”

“That’s not my style.”

“No, you have to buy a ton of bird toys in order to try and get a woman’s phone number, I think I know your style.”

Henry turned red from frustration, but continued with what he referred to as the ‘incident.’ “You see, I have been training the penguins for a new show this summer. If I can get the audience interested in them, then I can get more funding. More funding means a bigger enclosure and-”

“More bird toys?” I teased.

“Anyway, I’ve been training them to work this little catapult thingy I made. In the first part of the show, I fill it with fish and they all hop into the counterweight, the rope releases and the fish are flung over to the seal enclosure, where they flip around and do cutesy seal things. The second part of the show is when my assistant gets 'accidentally' flung over to the seal tank, but the show continues over there. It’s all planned down to the last detail, except…”

“Except?”

“I thought it would be cute for one of the penguins to come up to Gina with a note from me asking her out on a date, but they won’t just walk up to anyone. So I trained it to take the note to the catapult.”

“I think I can see where this is going, unfortunately…”

“Just listen, okay?” Henry sighed. “I set Gina down next to the catapult -not in it. And I tried to get the penguin to take the note to her. But while I was wrestling with the little guy, she decided that the chair on the catapult was a lot more comfortable than sitting on the cold ground. And as soon as she took the seat, all the other penguins took the cue and piled into the counterweight. But it wasn't enough to launch her. So I thought everything was okay until the little bird that I’ve given the note to took a flying leap to join its kin in the counterweight rather than bringing her the note.”

“One penguin too many.”

“You’ve got it. She got launched over the fence and into the seal enclosure. And they danced and frolicked all over until they realized that she wasn’t part of the show and wasn’t going to feed them any treats. Then things got angry.”

“What could they do? They’re seals!”

“That’s what I thought about the rhinos, remember?”

“Oh, God. How bad was it?”

“Well, they settled down after a bit. Gina was bitten in a few places, but didn’t suffer from any wounds needing stitches. Evidently the seals were really hard on their trainers, but Gina gave as good as she got.”

“So everything is okay?”

“Yes and no.” Henry said. “Gina won’t even look at me, without thinking of the traitorous little penguins that launched her into the tank. And I was supposed to be upgraded to seal handler once the penguin show had taken off, so to speak.”

“So?”

“It turns out that the seals have more respect for Gina then they do for me. So I found her a job after all. But between the post dramatic penguin stress and the clause in our contracts that says that handlers can‘t date one another, the perfect girl has slipped though my fingers.”

“Cheer up, Henry.” I said. “There’s always more fish -or penguins, seals, etc. in the sea.”