Never Send an Idiot to Save the Earth

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright ã 2011 Plot Roach.

Never Send an Idiot to Save the Earth

By Plot Roach
　
“So let me get this straight.” Dr, Jarrod said, wiping his hand across his face. “Unless we can get someone over to the Secondary Silo to launch a missile at the comet coming in thirty minutes, all of life on Earth will die?”

“That’s the sum of it.” said Dr. Neilson.

“But I thought that if we made the comet explode, all the little pieces would still tear through Earth’s orbit and turn her into Swiss cheese.”

“The missile isn’t enough to make it explode. Just knock it off course a bit and hopefully avoid the Earth entirely.”

“So let’s get into the rover and get to the Second Silo now.” Dr.Jarrod said.

“We can’t.” said Dr. Neilson.

“Why not?”

“When we thought that Base One had destroyed the comet, we had a little party last night. We used up a lot of resources.”

“So what did Base One accomplish?”

“They turned a really big comet into a smaller one, but they didn’t stop it entirely. That’s why the solid center that didn’t break apart the first time it was hit with missiles, won’t break apart on the second attempt -or, at least that’s the theory.” said Dr. Neilson.

“Can Base One send some help?” asked Dr. Jarrod.

“Even if they could reach us, there wouldn’t be enough time. That, and when they tried to bomb the comet the first time, a chunk sheared off and demolished the place. When we didn’t hear from them, we thought that they had all gone home or were too busy partying to pick up the line when we called.”

“And the rover?”

“Oh, yeah, back to the party. We all thought everything was fixed and that we’d be back on the shuttles this morning headed for Earth, so we used up a lot of our resources…partying.”

“How bad is it?”

“We have enough oxygen for the next few days.”

“But the hydroponics garden is supposed to maintain a certain amount of oxygen indefinitely as well as prove food for the colony.”

“Well, we heard that they were scrapping the mission as soon as the comet threat ended, so we substituted a little greenery of our own. Then we smoked it last night.” said Dr. Neilson.

“All of it?”asked Dr. Jarrod.

"No, we still have a couple of pounds in the back. We were going to sell it when we got home as 'commemorative moon weed.'”

“Doesn’t that stuff have to dry out for a while?”

“We hooked up a dehydration unit to the solar cells. Which by now…”

“Are also low on energy.”

“You got it!”

“So what do we have of use to get us over to Base Silo Two?”

The rest of the residents looked to one another and shrugged or laughed and continued to smoke their hand rolled joints.

“If we could get someone down to Silo Two, we could launch in plenty of time. But the rover is out of energy, all other forms of energy are depleted, and we can’t walk there in the time that we need.”

“But we can use propulsion.” Suggested Dr. Harroldson.

“How’s that?” Dr. Jarrod asked.

“Do you remember those damned stupid puzzles they used to give you in school where you were given a group of mismatched items and told to solve a problem with them?”

“Yeah, and?”

“Like the one where you’re on the moon-”

“Yeah, I never thought THAT one would happen…” said Dr. Neilson.

“Anyway, you’re on the moon with a handful of other scientists and all you have is a short supply of oxygen, a gun and a rubber raft and you’re supposed to make it from one moon base to another before you all run out of air. But there’s not enough air for all of you…” said Dr. Harroldson.

“Oh, yeah. And some damned idiot set it up so that you’re supposed to put everyone in the raft and fire the gun to propel you across the face of the moon like some damned rocket boat. But my teacher always got mad at me when I told her that I would kill all the others and take their oxygen for myself, thereby making sure that I had enough to walk to the next base with.” said Dr. Neilson.

“That question was lame when you look at the mechanics of it.” said Dr. Harroldson.

“Huh?” Asked one of the red eyed scientists

“Why the hell would you take a gun to the moon? Or a water raft for that matter? It seems to me that the idiot that packed those items should have been a bit busier packing -oh, I don’t know - extra oxygen!” said Dr. Harroldson.

“Not to mention that the gun is going to need oxygen in order to fire and can’t do it in the vacuum of space." said Dr. Neilson.

“And just what in the hell is supposed to inflate the water raft if there is no damned air on the moon!”  said Dr. harroldson.

They all laughed.

“But you know… We could still try the propulsion thing.”said Dr. harroldson.

“How?” asked Dr.Jarrod.

Several of the scientists got together at a table, sweeping bits of marijuana to the floor in order to see the map of the moon bases better. Dr Jarrod stood to the side and eyed his colleagues, hoping that there was a solution among them. Otherwise his last few hours of life would find himself in the company of genius level idiots. So this is how the human race ends, he thought, scanning the shelves around him for something of use.
He found a half empty bottle of vodka and took a long swig from it. Why should I be sober when the world dies? He asked himself. Meanwhile the scientists stopped gabbing and made a run for the lowest level of the building, cheering like a high school chess club about to raid the girls’ locker room.

By the time Dr. Jarrod walked into the room, one of the men quickly locked the door behind him and motioned for him to pull down the face visor to his suit.

“What’s going on?”

“They’re going to launch Jacobson.”

“Shouldn’t we be outside when-”

But it was too late. They had rigged some extra mining supplies to act as a part rubber band part catapult system to shoot the man through the window and into the black void of space. Dr. Jarrod hoped that the man’s face shield would withstand the impact and that none of the shards of glass or moon rock would cut through his suit upon landing, rendering him a corpsicle.

The oxygen was sucked out of the room along with Jacobson. At least everyone remembered their visors, Jarrod thought. Now if only Jacobson survives and isn’t too stoned to get the job done… The scientists went through the airlock at the side of the building to get back into the rest of the complex. Dr. Jarrod sat next to the communications equipment, hoping to hear from Dr. Jacobson, but was not holding his breath over it.
Just as the rest of the scientists began to run low on ‘party supplies’ and Dr. Jarrod had considered talking a long walk outside without his spacesuit, they heard from Dr. Jacobson.

“Uh, there’s a problem…”

“Did something happen to the missiles in the silo?” Dr. Jarrod asked. Never send an idiot to save the Earth, he told himself. Now the entire human race was doomed due to this over paid pot head.

“Uh, no. I sent those off ten minutes ago.”

“And?” Dr. Jarrod demanded.

“They exploded on impact, the comet was moved and it avoided the Earth entirely.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I ran out of weed.”

Dr. Jarrod took a deep breath to keep from yelling at the man -and only just succeeded. “Is there a functioning rover there?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you drive it back here to get more weed?” Jarrod asked, trying not to show the frustration in his voice.

“Oh, yeah. Huh…”

"Anything else we should know about?” Dr. Jarrod asked.

“The ride here was really gnarly. Kind of like surfing zero G.”

Two hours later, Jarrod rounded up all of the scientists, strapped them into shuttle seats and launched them on a route back to Earth.

“I was thinking.” said Jacobson.

Dr. Jarrod rolled his eyes and said nothing.

“That was kind of like an episode of 'Jackass', and all.”

“Yeah, huh?” said another scientist.

The fate of the Earth hung in the balance, Jarrod thought. And they can only think of it as ‘Jackass in Space.’”