How come no one told me that today was supposed to be the end of the world?

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright ã 2011 Plot Roach.

How come no one told me that today was supposed to be the end of the world?

By Plot Roach
　
Eliza wiped down the last glass countertop at the jewelry section before taking off her apron and heading for the time clock in back. As much as she hated working at the department store, she hated the thought of facing an empty studio apartment for the next few days. She was just about out of the door and down the long back hallway that would lead to the parking lot when she heard Jeremiah and Daniel talk about their end of the world plans for the weekend.

“End of the world?” she asked.

“Yeah, didn’t you know? The end of the world is this weekend.” said Daniel.

“How? Why?”

“Don’t get into a twist over it, Eliza. It’s not real or anything like that. It’s just that a few years ago this ‘prophet’ bilked like about a million followers into giving him money so that he could prepare them for the end of the world.”

“And then what?” asked Eliza.

“What do you think?” asked Daniel. “It was a fake. They all stood there with their thumbs up their butts, totally broke and this guy made off with all their money.”

“And you’re celebrating this?” she asked.

“No.” said Jeremiah. “I’m celebrating the fact that I didn’t know about it until it was after the fact. Since so many people I knew were conned by the guy, I got off easy when they did not. They came to me balling their eyes out the following Monday, because they quit their jobs, gave away everything that they had and ended up looking like fools. And I was pissed because I just wanted to know that if the end of the world was happening, why did no one tell me about it? What? I’m not good enough to go to heaven or be taken aboard your mother ship? I have to stay behind and cancel my weekend plans to cover your shift because you’re too busy waiting for it all to end? At the very least, I wouldn‘t have bothered paying my credit card bills.”

“So the following year, we decided that we would turn it into a spiritual thing. We claim that it’s for religious purposes and the boss can’t tell us no.” said Daniel. “You should come with us, if you don’t have anything better to do then be present of the end of the world.”

“Hmm… Do laundry or be witness to the Apocalypse?” Eliza said. “I’m coming along.

They filled her in on the details and what supplies to bring. And the following morning Eliza found herself driving to the local park. Daniel and Jeremiah waved her down from the side of the road. They helped her bring her supplies from her car to their makeshift tent.

“So what goes on from here?” she asked.

“Well, there’s lots of fun things to do at the end of the world. Do you feel like games, swimming or maybe an educational lecture?”

“A lecture? Like a sermon?”

“Oh, Hell no!” Daniel exclaimed. “But there are some groups that put out some decent literature on how to survive various end of the world scenarios and what supplies you should stock up on just in case.”

“Like what you get on the CDC website?” Eliza asked.

“Better, actually. These people actually thought things through.” Jeremiah said.

“Like plastic sheeting and duct tape is really going to keep out radiation and genetically mutated super germs…” Daniel said.

“Like what Daniel said, but some of it is a bit more… fantastical than what reality might actually produce. Helen over there in the blue tent put out a pretty good manual on how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. And Steven at the bench there will be giving a lecture on alternate food sources.”

The three wandered around, moving from one informational group to another. Eliza was surprised at the amount of information they these people were willing to share and wished that she, too, would be able to contribute something should she find herself alive at the end of the world and sans rapture. Though she was a little unsure as to her ability to eat things like mealworms and guinea pigs.

“Oh, let’s not forget the costume awards at three o’clock. There’s different sections for nuns, priests, saviors, and post apocalyptic survivors. Though zombies are really coming into their own this year…”

Eliza smiled as she watched a man dressed as a nun swing from a rope and jump into the water, screaming: “Iteotwawki!” before disappearing into its murky depths.

“What was he yelling?”

“It’s based on initials of a well used phrase around here: It’s The End Of The World As We Know It. Which reminds me, Daniel. Did you remember to load the End of the World music mix I made for the MP3 player?”