Mormons Don’t Drink

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright ã 2011 Plot Roach.

Mormons Don’t Drink

By Plot Roach

I should have know he wasn’t a Mormon.

He was too good looking, for starters, not that Mormons are notoriously ugly. I’ve just never seen a Mormon as a fashion model. And considering the lifestyle, there’s probably a reason for it. But he made my heart melt from his first smile shot in my direction. It wasn’t even really aimed at me, but at the woman in the bar behind me.

That’s another reason I should have questioned his origins, what was he doing in a bar if Mormons don’t drink?

But the woman behind me was there with another man, so I got the door prize, so to speak. We chatted away the evening, trading our pasts and our hopes for the future. I really didn’t mind him lying to me, for I did as much embellishment of my life in my own way. But when you ask a guy about his family, he should really tell the truth. At least it would have let me know what I was in for.

He told me that he was here on business, that his nearest family members were many miles away. What he neglected to tell me was the number of light years in miles. Or that he was here as a scout to observe the native race and see if they were worth conquering.

Bastard.

A few more drinks and we were back to my place. I don’t usually take strangers home on the first date, but there was something different about this guy. Little did I realized at the time it was the synthetic pheromones he had drenched himself with earlier. Mentally I knew that things were going too fast, but my body argued that the timing was just right.

We made it to my place without incident, he took his briefcase with him, stating that he didn’t want the chance of it being stolen while he was in my home. I didn’t blame him. I knew that I lived in a bad neighborhood. I just didn’t know that the guy I let in through my front door was more of a predator than the crack heads who wanted to bash my head in for my purse.

He took a few gizmos out of the briefcase and in my state of inebriation I took them for sex toys. Hey, I thought, I’ll try anything once. I think I passed out about the time he took out this mini table like thing that reminded me of the stirrups in my doctor’s office.

When I woke the next day I had a hell of a hangover. And much to my surprise, my date from the night before was still around. He bumbled around in my kitchen and brought me a plate of something that looked like something the dog would roll in. This couldn’t be food. And just as soon as I turned my nose up at it, I found myself devouring the stuff, and even licking the plate clean.

“That’s right, sweetheart. Eat everything right up, you’ll need your strength soon enough.”

“What’s that all about?” I asked.

“Well, dearest. You’re pregnant.”

“That can’t be. I’m on the pill.”

“You don’t seem to understand. I didn’t come to fertilize your egg. I had one of my own. And now you’ll be my happy little incubator.”

“Excuse me?” I asked, pulling myself out of bed. That’s when I saw the baby bump that was the size of a small basketball. “What the hell is this?”

“Seriously, you need to listen.” he said, handing me another plate of the foul but addictive stuff he called food. “I come from another world. One where we can conceived children, but over the years have been unable to bare them until they are ready to be born. It has something to do with massive chemicals and things that your race is only now dealing with.” he sat on the edge of the bed, a hand on my knee. “So my planet asked me to come here and perform some experiments with the native wildlife. As it turns out, the human race is very receptive to our offspring, as you can see.” he said, gesturing to my swollen belly. “It will take a week or two before Junior comes out, and then you’ll be ready for the next one.”


“The Hell I will be!” I yelled, struggling to get out of bed.

“Now, now. My wife was upset at the thought of me having multiple partners. But if this means that we can have a little one of our own, isn’t a little discomfort worth it?” he asked, winking at me.

“What happens now?” I asked.

“You’ll give birth in a couple of weeks and I’ll be back to collect the child. By then the others of my fleet will be here with fertilized eggs of their own.”

“And the human race?”

“Much like the other life forms we’ve encountered over the millennia, they will be bred into extinction. Try not to take it personally. Ta-ta.”

That was the last I saw of him. Tonight my water broke while I was walking home from the bar. I don’t care if drinking will hurt the fetus, I think I deserve a drink or two after what I’ve been through. There are a lot more pregnant women around than there used to be and I wonder which one of us sports a human baby and which is infected with an interstellar parasite.

Twelve hours later, in the delivery room, the doctor pulled ‘Junior’ out from my loins and examined him under the hospital’s lights. He was a squirming, tentacle laden mass, cream colored with teal patterning that reminded me of a ball python. The doctor looked over to me, holding the creature gingerly as he examined the body. “It’s a boy?” he said questioningly.