You Can't Beat a Dead Horse

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright ã 2011 Plot Roach.

You Can't Beat a Dead Horse

By Plot Roach

It was just another one of those hair brained schemes that Steve and his friends concocted to make money fast and leave the rest of the world to pay the bill. In the past he has posed as a foreign national in need of U. S. assistance to collect on a money debt, sending out tons of emails to anyone stupid enough to send him their bank account information so that he could drain it. A few months ago, he ran a pet babysitting service, kidnapped people's animals, posted 'found' signs, and had a friend return them for the reward money. But this last one took the prize- quite literally.

It seems he came into possession of racehorse. He trucked it to the smaller local races first, then started showing up at the bigger events for the statewide winners to compete. His horse could not be beat, it was just too fast and had too much stamina. Then came one of the national races. Steve was cashing in big time with his stallion. Until, that is, it was found out that his horse was dead.

Yep, he somehow managed to made a dead horse run. I teased him by asking how often he beat it, but he never got the joke. He found a method of reanimating the corpse, and reinforced the body with metal plates and poles to keep the thing in one piece. The brain he replaced with a computer, no kidding.

When the officials found out that he was racing a zombie horse, they tried to ban him from the Bluebird National race. But Steve, being the cunning scum ball that he is, thrives on loopholes. He found one in the handbook stating that horses with a handicap were still allowed, even if fitted with prosthetic pieces. No trainer would even think of racing a wounded animal, but this horse wasn't wounded -it was dead. It was still technically a horse, though it was little more than flesh on a metal framework. And both the Humane Society and PETA had to swallow their threats of lawsuits, since the creature was already deceased and could no longer suffer. If anyone was upset at Steve's creation, it was probably "viande de cheval" connoisseurs who thought that his beast was a waste of a good steak.

So the officials had a meeting for half a day before the race could commence. They tested his animal for things that could get Steve's entry banned from the race, but no steroids were found.

The race went on as planned, and there was no surprise when Steve's horse won the race. After all, it was about the same as a robot wearing a meat coat. The other horses had to struggle with things like breathing and muscle strain.

But at the finish line, Steve's horse didn't stop. He just kept running around the track. His rider jumped off twenty minutes after the conclusion of the race. The authorities tried shooting it, knocking its legs out from under it and even setting up a wall for it to crash into. But nothing could stop it. Whatever they tried, the horse just powered through like it was nothing, the creature was just too well built -except for the brain. Something must have short circuited, for the creature would not obey any of the commands given by its rider. It continued to run the track in a never ending race against its shadow.

They closed the track for the rest of the races that day, and for the rest of the year as well. It seems that no one can get the horse to stop racing. The officials said that they will wait until it runs itself into the ground (pardon the pun). If it trips and cannot get back up, they have a plan to be rid of it for good. Some say that the will throw a net over it and transport it to the ocean by helicopter, let it race itself to the crushing depths of the sea. Some say that they have a car crusher on hold, waiting for it.

In the meantime Steve has gotten more than a fair amount of hate mail over his creation -but quite bit of money too. The U. S. government has asked Steve to share his technique of creating the undead horse. They have hopes to do the same for soldiers, taking 'John and Jane Does' from the morgue to serve in the military now that recruitment is at an all time low. Though they'll have the 'brains' made by someone else, I hope.

So it turns out that the old saying was true: you can't beat a dead horse. At least not on this racetrack.