Two Idiots Film a Movie

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright ã 2011 Plot Roach.

Two Idiots Film a Movie

By Plot Roach

“Hey, Veronica. We need your help.”

“What’s up guys?”

“We need help writing and filming a movie.”

“You don’t ask for much, do you Jason.”

“No, really. We need big time help here or else we will have to pay back, like, ten thousand dollars.”

“Is that you Fred? I can‘t tell on speakerphone.”

“Yep. We thought it would be easier this way, to talk to us both at once rather than having him try and explain it to me later.”

(squelch of noise)

“And you are recording this as well?”

“Yeah, we’re pretty messed up right now and we want to be able to remember this in order to write it in the morning.”

“So, you’re stoned-”

“Drunk.”

“’Drunk’ and you’ve spent someone’s money and you need to have a movie all put together by -when exactly?”

“In a week.”

“Oh, well… you’ve got plenty of time then. Can you pay the money back?”

“It was a grant from the government. I’m thinking ‘not’. They gave us the money as independent filmmakers six months ago, now they want to see some results or else they’ll fine us for not using the money for what it was for.”

“So you knew about this for six months and you’re only doing something about it now?”

“No. We got the money six months ago and only found out today that they wanted to see what we were making.”

“Do you have anything left of the money?”

“About fifteen hundred.”

“Nice… So how do you plan to pull this off?”

“Well…We asked for your help. That was the first thing on our list.”

“Do you even have a camera?”

“Uh, no.”

“Do you have actors? A writer?”

“We have you… You’ll help us, right?”

“Yes. But you need to shut up and do exactly as I say.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Thank you, Veronica.”

“You have next to no money, so look into renting a video camera. If you can’t find one, then buy one from a local electronics store, use it for the week and take it back. They’ll keep ten percent of the money you'll spend for a ’restocking’ charge, but that’s cheaper than buying a whole new one. And for goodness sakes, be gentle with it. You’ll need it in good condition if you’re going to take it back.”

“Got it.”

“As for sets, film it out in the desert or in some abandoned place. That way you don’t have to build something yourself or else pay someone to do it. Do you have any idea where you are going to get the actors?”

“No. That’s why we called you.”

“Okay, put a notice up at your college saying that you’re looking for talent to star in an independent film. List the genre of the film-”

“The what?”

“Genre. It means the type of film. Like ’horror’ or ’romance’-”

“Ooo, can we do horror? I bet we can get some chick to go topless in it.”

“That’s up to you.”

“Horror it is then.”

“Okay, now that the film’s genre has been decided. You need a writer to write the screenplay. Then post the characters you’ll need on the notice for a call for actors.”

“What if we don’t have a writer?”

“Than write it yourself.”

“We can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Didn’t we do enough just getting the cash?”

“You mean the cash you spent?”

“Yeah.”

“Never mind. Okay, I have a great idea. Listen up, I’m only saying this once-”

“That’s why we’re taping it.”

“Great… Get the camera and start taping immediately. All the stuff you’re doing from talking to me to interviewing a writer to having actors read the lines. The story won’t be about a horror movie, it will be about filming a horror movie.”

“Can we still get some chick to show her tits?”

“Yes.”

“Great, we’re on board. But what do we call it?”

“How about ’Two Idiots Film a Movie’?”

“That’ll work. But I’d rather call it ’The Movie Where You See Chicks’ Tits.”

(Sound of a dial tone.)