They’ve Got to Learn Sometime

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright 2011 Plot Roach.

They’ve Got to Learn Sometime

By Plot Roach

Stanley’s bad day turned worse when the elephant at the kids’ petting zoo sucker punched him in the eye. He was laughing along with his daughter and the rest of her Girl Scout troop and other assorted parents (while fighting a rather bad migraine) when the pachyderm turned 180 degrees with the grace and speed of a cheetah and swung its trunk into Stanley’s face.

He honestly did not think that the thing could move so fast, what with the twenty minutes it took the zoo handler to get it out of the containment pen and onto an area where the girls could come up close and pet it. “Charlene!” yelled the elephant’s trainer, a slim young thing named Willow that looked only about twenty pounds heavier than his ten year-old daughter. How can such a small woman handle such a large beast?, he had asked himself as she ushered the creature out of its “habitat”. And, as it turned out, she could not. For Charlene did not stop there.

Stanley was knocked to the ground by the elephant’s trunk and had not yet recovered when the creature began to trumpet at him and kick dust in his direction with its large feet. He scrambled away to the edge of the enclosure, thankfully away from the rest of the group should the elephant continue its punishment of the man -which it did.

Parents, elephant trainer and children watched in horror as the elephant began to turn and, showing its rump to him, began to spray him with urine.“Oh, gahh!” Stanley choked out, covered in a foul smelling stream. He tried to wipe it out of his eyes and away from his mouth, but only succeeded in spreading the substance further around his face.

He barely heard the trainer yell: “Oh, my god, she’s actually doing it!”

“Doing what, exactly?” asked one of the parents. It was Sarah, a tough as nails mother who babied her girl as if no other child in the world existed.

“She’s actually ready to mate!” yelled the elephant trainer. “She’s come into season before, but all attempts to mate her to the males here were -difficult at best.”

“Why, what happened?”

“She often beat the males that attempted to mount her.”

“So she’s going to beat Stanley to a pulp?” asked Sarah. The girls in the troop began wailing wildly with the news. Stanley was not doing so well either, thinking that he would be crushed to death by a horny elephant.

“Oh, no. Nothing like that.” Willow the trainer said. “Just let her present herself for a while.” she called out to Stanley, still trapped behind the elephant. “When she realizes that you’re not interested in her sexually, she’ll move back to her habitat and we can get you cleaned up.”

“Yeah, Stanley.” Sarah called out laughing: “Don’t make a move on her and you’ll be okay.”

“I’m a married man for chistsakes!” he choked out. “And this is an elephant. Just what in the hell do you think I’m gonna do?”

“Just let her ride it out, sir. She’s the one in control.” The elephant trainer yelled out.

At that moment, Charlene showed just how much she was in control of the situation. She maneuvered Stanley into a corner of the pen and pressed him up against the chain link fence using her butt cheeks to hold him in place.

“Yahhh….Uhhhh….Fuhhh!” Stanley said, trying not to gag at the sight of eager elephant vagina inches from his face. Could this get any worse? He asked himself. And then found out immediately that yes, things could get much worse and that one should never even think questions such as this since Fate enjoys a challenge as well as a good joke.

The elephant began to moan and rock her hips, pressing harder against Stanley and knocking the wind from him. All through the experience, Stanley tried not to look at the creature’s genitals, but like a traffic accident on the highway, his eyes returned again and again. It reminded him of a mutated alien oyster or an embarrassed manatee. The creature’s gyrating produced a reaction from his lower extremities which he tried to battle mentally. Think about baseball, he told himself. Or grandma when you had to wash her back as a kid. Or even the time you had to sift through the dog’s crap in order to retrieve that ring he ate. But despite all his mental defenses, nature had its way. He was done before Charlene let up, and he was certain that the pressure against his lower regions would provide him with the worst rug burn he could ever imagine, or geld him entirely.

Then Charlene moved away, evidently done with her fantasy. But not before she deposited a fresh chunk of manure on his shoes for good measure.

“You should be honored sir, not everyone gets a chance to be the object of an elephant’s attention.” Willow said. She was immediately silenced by a look from Stanley.

Sarah piped up with her own positive spin on the event, saying: “Yeah, Stanley, you turned this into a true educational event for the girls.”

“How so?” he asked, toweling elephant urine out of his eyes.

“We were wondering how to let them earn their ‘Birds and Bees badge.’” She laughed. “And it is true what they say: they’ve got to learn sometime.”

“Thanks… really…” He hissed as another trainer, this one from the tiger enclosure, proceeded to wash him from head to toe with a cold stream of water from the hose usually reserved for cleaning the vaginal and anal cavities of the larger beasts in the zoo.

With ruined clothes, bruised ribs and a stench that he knew would never leave him for a week, Stanley tried to see the upside of the situation and settled on the fact that at least his migraine was gone. But it’s not a remedy I ever want to try again, he told himself.