The Problem with Claudia

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright 2011 Plot Roach.

The Problem with Claudia

By Plot Roach

It always happens to me, like every single time! I’m the good friend who gets everyone else around me out of trouble, yet no one is there to bail me out when I need it. And usually I can take care of my own problems, but when I’m around Claudia, things always take a turn for the worse.

Like the time when she decided to “gift” me with tickets for two to swim with the dolphins. Only she decided to put on her perfume really heavy (even through the brochure told her not to), and it turned the creatures on. It took five animal trainers and a shotgun before they could pull us away from the hormonal chaos she had created. One dolphin had to be shot, and I can’t watch an episode of Flipper or look at a can of dolphin safe tuna without crying. Claudia, however, got the head of the trainers to date her for a month before she left him flopping on the ground like a fish out of water. In the meantime I had to be hospitalized for a month due to internal injuries sustained by horny dolphins.

To make it up to me she took me to my favorite amusement park. I wanted to try out a ride they had just installed. What I didn’t know was that she had bribed the kid running the thing to keep it going for fifteen minutes. But what she hadn’t planned on was the break failing. So we were trapped for an hour and a half until the park could safely cut the power to the system and the fire department could get us down. I ended up with a brain bruise and mega whiplash. Meanwhile, she got a hot date out of one of the firemen.

Last week she wanted us to go skydiving. Oh, Hell no! I could only imagine what could have gone wrong with that. She probably would have replaced my chute with her purse or something, thinking that I could probably survive a “little fall”. And then she would have been too busy nailing the pilot and they would have crashed into the side of a mountain.

So I wasn’t surprised when I left my phone off the hook for a day last week. It was my only day off from work and all I wanted was one drama free moment. And because Claudia can’t reach me by phone, test message or e-mail -she showed up in person and demanded that the landlord open my door for her. And because she is a lady of infinite charm (and bosom), he let her have her way.

“Wake up sleepy head!” she screamed, dousing me with a pitcher of ice cold water, leaving me sputtering on my bed, the landlord staring at my Hello Kitty pajamas. “I’ve got an adventure for us!” And of course I can’t say “no”. I’ve told you about our past, you get an idea of what my relationship with her is like.
I change into something dry as she seduces my landlord. Chances are she’ll break his heart and my rent will be raised as a result. She does this, you know, ruins every little bit of sanity in my life. And still I can’t say no to her -except when I know that the results of her little adventures will be lethal.

So she tells me in the car that she has seen this little ad in the paper about spelunking in a local cave. And I’m thinking, how can there be a cave in the middle of a city? And that’s when it hits me: the earthquake last week. It tore down some of the old buildings and left a crater behind. “Is this safe?” I ask.

“Oh, yeah. Sure. I heard about it from this guy that knows my coworker in Accounting.”

And that’s when the feeling that I should have stayed in bed, soaking wet as she made goo -goo eyes at my landlord set in. I’m not getting out of this alive. So I settle back in the car seat and wait for the carnage. It’s all I can really do at this point. I’ve learned to roll with the chaos and clean up the body count after the fact.

We get to the “City Spelunking Experience”, suit up and sign a waiver that states that we will not hold the company responsible for any injury or deaths which may occur due to their ignorance of physics or our own innate idiocy. I give the worker at the winch my landlord’s phone number and ask him to give him the message to feed my cat if I don’t come back up in twenty four hours. We were slowly lowered into the darkness and it wasn’t even fifteen minutes into the trip that Claudia works her magic. She slips out of her harness, down a dark side tunnel and disappears completely from view. I tug on the lead rope, and yell for the guy at the winch to haul me back up. But he’s either listening to the music on his headphones or was paid to ignore me. Thanks, Claudia, I think before I unsnap my own harness and head down the tunnel to drag her sorry butt back to civilization.

When I find her, she’s already in trouble. Face to face with five guys clad in what look like Lord of the Rings outfits and pointy ears that would put Spock to shame. They have spears aimed at her vital organs and the vapid blonde is trying to flirt with them. They see me and their leader barks out a few commands that sound more like music than any language I’ve ever heard of. We are eventually ushered deeper into the underground tunnel and all I can think of is: she’s done it to me again!

We’re thrown in separate cells, eventually being hauled out and set down in front of what I can only assume is the head honcho of this underground elvish kingdom, for he has as much bling as a pimp and as many ladies surrounding him as Hugh Hefner. I fall to my knees and bow deeply, Claudia just stands her ground and tries to flit. Yeah, like it worked in the cave, I thought. But then the king’s face cracks a smile. And my heart falls to the floor as the guards throw me back into my dark little cell and I hear Claudia’s laughter echoing down the stone hallways.

An indeterminable time later, one of the “elves” comes to my cell. “Do you know why you are here?” he asks in perfect English. I can only assume he learned it from the DVDs that they watched to get their outfits from.

“Trespassing?” I ask.

“No, you’re friend broke our code of conduct by laying hands on a married man.”

“One of the warriors?”

“Yes.”

“And her punishment?”

“Normally she would be either put to death or else given as a permanent slave to the man whose honor she sullied, but…”

“But?”

“She’s so annoying, no one wants her here, not even the king. And to have a lifetime of that... "laughter" would torture all the souls who call this pace home.”

“So you’re going to kill her?”

“Yes, unless you will take her place.”

“You mean die for my friend?” I asked. My mind and heart racing, I just knew that this day would come. I should have gone skydiving with her after all and changed chutes at the last minute, leaving her to feast on high speed dirt.

“No. You have shown honor before the king. You would be deemed a worthy servant for the kingdom. You could stay here for the rest of your life, in our service.”

“Doing what?”

“We were interested in mating with the humans to create a half-breed who could walk among your kind undetected. You could choose with whom you would mate, it would not be forced upon you. But you would be asked to breed as many times and as often as possible. You have my word that with the first man you bed, you will be given eternal protection and you will live out the rest of your days in comfort. ”

“And my friend?”

“She would be released back to her world, but you would never be able to see her again, as we are sealing up the cave as soon as she leaves.”

“Deal!” I say, trying to hold back my glee. No more Claudia. No more drama!

Soon Claudia was shoved back into her harness, aimed at the world above and I was lead to my own private chamber stocked with silks, exotic perfumes and a line of handsome -if pointy eared- men. Perhaps I should have told them that my encounter with the dolphins left me sterile. Oh well, I’m sure they’ll figure it out in time.