Animal Fair

This is a work of fiction. No real people, places or events were used. Copyright ã 2011 Plot Roach.

Animal Fair

By Plot Roach

Samantha called me this afternoon wanting to know if I would work a psychic fair with her. “It’s the same as the people type fairs -but it’s for animals.” she said.

“Come again?” I asked.

“All the magic, psychic and healer type stuff that we human do, but on animals instead.”

“Psychic…animals?”

“No” she said. “Not psychic animals, psychic people working on animals… But I haven’t exploited the animal to person psychic healing angle yet, thanks for the idea.”

I felt my karma sink to the level of snail belly as I asked: “So what could you possibly do with animals -and why do you need my help?”

“Well you still read palms, right?” she asked.

“Yeah, for parties and stuff…”

“Well think about this: I give tarot card readings to our ‘clients’ and you can read their paws.” Samantha said, her voice had just a tingle of giggle to it. That was when I knew that I was in for it.

“What are you planning?” I asked.

“Nothing…much.”

“Spill it.”

“Okay, I’ve got this thing going with one of the other ‘psychics’.” she sighed into the phone. “I will do a reading for Fluffy and then if something is ‘wrong’, like poor health or a problem with a past life that hasn’t been resolved-”

“What? Fluffy could think she was Cleopatra’s cat and misses her buried ball of yarn?” I quipped.

“Like I was saying, if there is a problem, then I hand over a coupon to a ‘reputable reiki healer’-”

“Who just so happens to be at the same fair, of course.”

“Of course.” she said. “And I get a kickback.”

“Isn’t that a little underhanded?” I asked.

“It’s the way politicians do it.” she argued.

“Exactly.”

“Oh relax, do some deep breathing exercises or meditate.”

“Isn’t that what you are supposed to say to your clients?” I asked.

“You know what I mean.” she said.

“So what if the animal I’m doing a reading on doesn’t want to lift it’s foot for that long?” I asked.

“I already solved that!” she said. I had a sinking feeling. “Using modeling clay, we make an imprint of the animal’s paw that you can read and the client (animal’s human) can take home as a memento.”

“That works for dogs and cats -if you can find a cat the will stay still long enough without scratching out your eyes. But what about birds?”

“We use their feet.” she said. “It’s a smaller area to work with, but you CAN work with it. The same technique can be used for mice, ferrets and other small mammals.”

“What about turtles?” I asked.

“You can use their feet, or maybe the shell. I bet you could do some phrenology type thing on the shell.”

“Fish?” I asked.

“Who is really going to take their fish for a walk to a psychic animal fair?” she asked.

My silence over the phone was proof enough of the crazies who went to these things. “Fine.” she said. “Then do something with the way it swims in the tank, or mouth movements or something…”

“Oh, can I do a Vulcan Mind Meld with the glass fish bowl?” I asked.

“Be serious.” she said.

“You do realize that we’re talking about animal psychics -and you want ME to be serious?”

“Anyway… Now that we have all the possible animals down-”

“Nope, not even close.” I said. “There’s one animal you will never get a paw print to read off of.”

“What?” Samantha asked. “An elephant? A crocodile? Maybe someone will bring their pet zebra?”

“What will I have to work off of if someone brings their pet rock?” I asked.

“Oh I give up!” Samantha said, and hung up the phone.